A Gem Heist
Stealing from death is easy, actually
Who’s ever said it was easy to steal from the king of death?
I mulled this thought over as I stood in line surrounded by skeleton couples dressed to the nines in luxury silk suits, and satin dresses made to accentuate ant curves they had left. Along with them came all the other creatures that the Underworld catered to; myopic creatures with heads made of carnivorous flowers, off-putting blobs of black sludge that left a searing trail of screaming souls behind it, and even some of the devil spawn—the roots of all mortal evil.
“Keep your focus Seven, can’t have you in lalaland tonight.” A voice in my ear broke my concentration as the next couple in front of me flashed their tickets and received entry. “Yeah, yeah yeah, like I’m not always in focus mode Three.” I said as I approached the large bouncer.
He was a devil spawn with long curving horns that curved around each of his long enlarged ears twice. He had the face of a goat, with a long goatee that gave him quite the spooky look. “Good evening, ticket?” He said in a rough and low voice.
I smiled and went to my left inner breast pocket to show him the ticket…except I pulled out nothing and the guard looked confused. I smiled and gave him a wagging finger to try to save face, saying, “Just testing you! Haha…” I went for my other breast pocket now, feeling around in there, trying to find anything besides what felt like lint between my fingers. The guard narrowed his eyes as his hands began to go for the baton on his right hip.
“Hahaha! Left pocket!” I heard Three speak before I quickly went to my pants pocket and pulled out the ticket and presented it to the guard, my face flushed and beat red, “Oh silly me! I must’ve placed the ticket in the wrong fucking pocket.” He didn’t say anything, but stepped aside, allowing me to enter the 70th annual Underworld Tea Party.
I still heard Three laughing the entire time as I tried to maintain my composure. “When I am back at Falls Manor, I am going to kill you. You do know that, right?” I angrily whispered towards Three as he kept laughing, shutting his mic off finally. I saw one of the waiters carrying a plate of nectar, and grabbed a glass. I downed it in a second, putting it back onto his table. The nectar tasted sweet, like a peach, with the tartness of a cherry underneath. I could feel the alcohol course through my body as I smiled. I needed something to kill the embarrassment that Three gave me.
The party looked grand. The main room was an elegantly designed ballroom with high vaulted ceilings that featured mosaics on top depicting the birth of man, devils and the monster races. The triumph of man in the mortal world showed on one side, and the other showed the triumph of the devils and monsters within the Underworld and beyond. In the middle of the ballroom, there was a classical dance going on. The floor was made of clear glass, contrasting with the Victorian era ballroom surroundings. Underneath the floor sat a large orchestra, composed of skeletons and monsters, with a devil conductor.
“Care for another drink, sir? One cannot have too many on such a Hellish day.” I turned my face to the side and looked down, locking eyes with a waiter. She had deep red hair, with slight horns protruding out of it, in a deeper red. I smiled at her and grabbed the glass. “I see Three has you canvassing so far, eh Five?” She smiled at me and nodded, as I put my glass back onto her plate. She got close and leaned up on her tippy-toes. I followed suit and bent down a slight bit as she whispered. “So far, it seems like Hell is somewhere on the second floor. Fear is walking the halls, with Anger sending spawn throughout.” She paused for a moment and smiled at a pair walking by us. “I hear the Sins are supposed to join us this evening.”
She walked away in haste afterward, offering another one of her drinks to a random couple as she signaled to me behind her back. I looked in the direction of the signal and saw a pair of monsters coming at me. One had the face of a lion, and the other was more grotesque. He was a mixture of a deer, and leopard. I kept my cool as they approached.
“Ah! Is that him Longinus?” The lion asked the chimera as they approached me, smiling. “Oh yes, I think it is. John Walker, in the flesh!” I smiled at them as I spread my arms out, giving them each a firm hug and a handshake, “I knew I recognized you two! But thanks for scaring my prey off, Bertram. That mug of yours even scares the devils, you know?” I sighed, knowing Five and Three were listening in on my conversation. Five was going to kill me later for my comments.
“Oh please, your lack of apparent class is what led to that. Even a waiter could tell,” Bertram chortled out as we all began to walk deeper into the ballroom, walking past the dance floor. “Still, it’s been so long, Walker. Just where have you been?” We reached the end of the room by this point. All that faced us was a small circular room that held the staircase. I needed to get upstairs. Hell, I needed to make it past Hell. “Oh you know, A bit of this, a bit of that. Another adventure here. The usual.” My skin was warm from the surrounding lights. Bertram looked at me and smiled, wagging his finger at me as I followed suit. Longinus soon joined us after as we all stood in a circle, wagging our fingers at each other, and laughing as we did.
“Oh! You must’ve been on that hunt for the sacred holy shark, weren’t you then?” Bertram said, finally stopping. I looked around the ballroom, seeing the head of the beast in question on the beverage table, in all its decapitated glory. “Ah yes, Hell and Fear swooped in with their Master before I could claim any of the bounty though,” I said looking around trying to spot where Fear could be. “Say, have you seen the master of the party yet? Or even his servants?” I asked Longinus who was grabbing a drink of one of the tree devils. “Longinus!” I said again, pulling his attention as he straightened his suit jacket. “Master Fear should be around here. We met near the start of his rounds around the party. I hear a thief is set to steal from Death tonight.”
Bzzt bzzzt bzzzt
The buzzing of my phone interrupted our talk as I excused myself from my ‘friends’. “Hey Seven, we gotta go. I just hacked into the Cameras, Death just came out of his quarters and is heading to the room at the end of the second hall.” Shit, I was spending too much time dealing with those two. I kept my phone up to my ear as I waved at them, before heading up the stairs mouthing the word ‘bathroom’. The halls felt cramped compared to everything else in Death’s Mansion. “Take a left, Seven” I listened to Three’s direction as I moved my way through the hallways, doing my best to keep pace. They always said running through life would get you nowhere, but it gets you away from Death. That dude was never in a rush after all.
“Okay now, straight ahead. I’ll block the cams out while you enter.” Three was always good at his job. He could be a dumbass, sure, and a pain in my ass, but at least I knew I could rely on him. I turned the corner towards where Three said to go. I could see the door at the end of the hallway. All that’s left was to be in and out with the gem and make my way to the escape, and we come out another century richer.
Hearing the door open and seeing the flaming hand of Hell, followed by the ghostly pale hunched over form of Fear, was not supposed to be in the cards.
I dove out of sight into one of the closest on the sides the servants used to store coats. “Shit shit shit!” I whispered. I heard the hard stomps of Hell as Fear followed behind, his hunched figure taking small steps at a rapid pace. “Why are they here!” I asked Three, who was surely watching through the cameras. He didn’t say anything, his hushed silence was enough to tell that something happened. “My liege. The party is going excellently, this might be the best annual Tea Party you have held thus!” I heard Hell speak as Fear chimed in as well, “M-my liege. I hav-haven’t seen anybody e-e-else around the floors. We are good f-for your meeting…”
“Do you smell that?” Death’s booming voice shook through the entire time. I could see his bony hand through the slits of the door. The rumors say he used to be a famous serial killer before taking the mantle of death from the previous death. I felt his finger turn to the closet I was in, “I smell a fresh human.” Hell perked up and slapped Fear, who covered his head on the ground. “I thought you checked everywhere!” Fear simply nodded and kept his body low.
I could feel the pale icy breaths of Death attacking my nape as he turned to the closet. His pale blue eyes embedded in his skull stared straight into the closet. Any second now, I would be caught, wouldn’t I? “My liege…”
Death turned quickly and faced the new voice. I could just make out who it was behind his large figure and even larger black cloak. Five! “Ah! A daughter of the Flame Devil. What do I owe the honors?” I saw Five smiling as Hell, greeted her so warmly. Hell and Fear kept their lowered stance towards Five as she spoke “My liege, my mother wishes to express her gratitude for such a marvelous Tea Party,” Five got a bit closer to Death, "She is very generous when one surpasses her expectations." Hell and Fear chuckled a bit as Death took Five’s hand. “Let us go to meet Flame. It has been quite some years, after all.”
The entourage soon followed him as Five looked back and winked at me in my closet. I quickly left it once they all cleared out and proceeded on the mission. “You’re welcome, by the way.” Three came back to my earpiece. He must’ve called Five as soon as possible. “Thanks, but how’d you know Five was a Flame spawn? I thought devils protect their lineage?” Three made a noise that told me he didn’t even know.
I got to the door finally and took out my tools. I examined the lock and took my combing pick and shoved it in. Most of the locks within Hell were simple enough, a rough combing pick with some tension wrenches can do the job…that’s what Two said, at least.
The door clicked after a few seconds and opened up. The room inside was basic compared to what I just experienced. A simple grand table surrounded in a room filled with monitors. In the middle of everything stood the Jewel. It was said to be a holy gem stolen long ago by Death the day he usurped the throne and proclaimed himself the new death.
I grabbed it and pocketed it inside my suit jacket and turned around. “Hello Mr. Walker.” In front of me, stood the pale figure of death. He was tall, taller than what a previous human should look like. A large black cloak surrounded him. He was smiling as he looked at me. “Ah, Death, didn’t see you there. What’s up bro?” I wanted to shoot myself with a holy bullet for saying that. Death just stood still and didn’t even move, probably from the cringe.
“Anyway, this room is off limits tonight, Walker. I hope you understand, we have some business to attend to.” I smiled at Death as he smiled back and moved away from the door. “Ah y-yes. My apologies, my liege. Lovely party as always. Can’t wait for next year.” I said walking out. The second I was out of the room, I began to bolt out of there. I didn't want to wait for–"GUARDS! ARREST JOHN WALKER! NOW!” I didn’t want to that.
I jumped down the last flight of stairs into a roll as I looked around. Guards on my left and guards on my right. A couple of the devils were starting to get up and look at the commotion. “Take a right! You can squeeze past the two!” I locked in and made a hard sprint at the two large goat guards on the side and ran past the first one. The second I delivered a kick to, breaking off the kick as I stepped back into my sprint. I heard a guard being thrown down to my left as Five soon joined me in running. “Oh hey Five! Was Flamey not interested?” She gave me a huff of a laugh as we shoved our way through the dancers still on the floor, “She’s not here, idiot.”
I made an ‘ahhh’ face as Five roundhouse kicked the bouncer who recognized me. It was not the cleanest getaway, but we sure did escape without anything else happening. When we got out of the mansion, we turned a corner and grabbed one of the keys from the valet. I beeped the alarm to find the car.
“Oh great, you grabbed a yellow beetle! The fucking shit car!” Five said as I smiled at the car. I opened the doors and roared the engine to life as I backed out, hitting a few of the nicer cars, before switching to drive and dropping my lead foot against the gas pedal.
“Now this is a beetle!” I said as the car picked up speed while I turned into the main road to leave the Underworld.
“I am so going to kill you tomorrow…” Five muttered as we drove off, ready to meet Three at the rendezvous point.
I love it. A horror-themed Mission Impossible.
Super engaging - that was a great read!